Dear Eric: I am a 62 -year -old woman committed to a 59 -year -old man. We have legs together for eight years. He is my best friend.
The problem? His 25 and 29 -year -old daughters do not work or contribute to the home. They stay awake all night, play and sleep all day.
Thank you, I have my own home. I refuse to marry him until the “lumps” of the thesis move.
I realize that this is a “promised” problem. I have suggested family therapy, life coaches, etc. Any other suggestion?
– Delayed commitment
Dear commitment: I have one, but I’m not going to love you, I’m afraid. Acceptance.
You have made it clear what you need to advance. It is a reasonable need, which realizes that when married and moving together, you can also boast moving with your daughters and your financial situation would be affected by your family’s financial agreement. It is intelligent for you to wait.
However, he has also made clear what he needs, at least for now. He cannot or train his daughter to leave the financial program or taxpayer. This is not a healthy session for any of them, but that is the choice it is making.
You can accept that this is a problem that does not want to solve and remain compromised, but separate, or you can decide that you create an unsurpassed problem in your relationship and make a change. But it is clear that an ultimatum will not solve this, unfortunately.
You could look back in the last eight years to try to make known where they came from this dynamic between him and his daughters and speak it.
Their suggestions of family therapy and life training are good, but they have to be ready and willing to take the next step. At this time, they are too comfortable playing free video games.
Dear Eric: While I had lunch with my 75 -year -old mother the other day, she announced saving that she does not want to live in an elderly home. She repeated it several times.
Unfortunately, my mother has been able to save a lot for her future and does not have a plan if you ever need long -term attention.
For now, she lives near a wonderful senior community with many social activities, which she really enjoys. His rent is based on his income, and grateful, he can live within his media. However, your current life situation does not sacrifice a continuum of attention, so if you ever disable, you should relocate.
My mother is only 18 years old that I, and because I helped raise my brothers, deliberately chose not having children.
Like the oldest of the five, I feel that my brothers are looking for me to come with a plan, and my mother sometimes calls me to her mother.
I want to make sure I am well taken care of, but I don’t want to be just the only responsibilities to manage your future.
How can I be a good daughter while honoring my own limits?
– You are not ready to be mom’s mother
Dear not ready: This is an opportunity for you, a figure of the de facto mother, to expel everyone from the nest and encourage them to fly on your own. What does this mean abroad or in the country of metaphors? There are six adults in this situation and each of them, including their mother, must begin to find solutions.
Just when his mother made his proclamation and expected him to pivot accordingly, he must tell his brothers that he will not discover the next steps only under the care of his mother. Preferential, this happens in a family reunion with his mother who attended so that everyone is on the same page.
You may still have to do some project management, but this family reunion is a time when the answer can be divided and options can be presented. Someone can take a look at the mother’s finances and talk to the other brothers about which son of financial support can sacrifice. Someone can talk to your mother and your doctor about the support of the daughter of the care you might need and what services there are to meet those needs. Someone can be the punctual person for communication between brothers. Someone can begin to investigate the care and ways for the brothers to share the answer.
None of those people should be you. Don’t go until everyone has tasks in a task.
It is good that your mother is thinking about this in advance and that there is no imminent group. This gives his brothers time to adapt to the new paradigm and gives him time to release part of responsibility with love.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas to Eric@askingeric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19110. Follow it on Instagram @ouric and register for your weekly bulletin in Reichomas.com.